About Me

My photo
A slightly insane mother to three girls ages 11,11, and 5. I live/love to find the humor in being a parent.

Monday, January 2, 2012

The Birds and The Bees, Alcohol, and Radio Disney( aka Sex, Drugs, and Rock n' Roll)

My children love to bring up the major issues when we are in the car and I am trying to drive. .  Forget texting, there should be a law against kids asking about sex while parents are driving.   A valid campaign, but will not save me from my own prying children. Actually it was probably my fault since I started the topic with asking the girls about how they were enjoying their books.

Hannah is currently reading "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret?" by Judy Blume.  A book I highly recommended to her and had told her to ask me if she had any questions. So, in the car while driving she asked an easy question about getting periods. No problem, I became the expert and answered her questions with ease about how nature is preparing their body so one day if they choose they can have a baby ( I did add when they are married and grown up of course). Until her twin sister piped in with her own questions....

Now Rachel is much more naive than Hannah when it comes to sex. Hannah has always been persistent about these things until I sat her down and explained the real facts about a year ago. I do remember explaining them to Rachel as well, but I do not think it stuck.  So here we are driving to pick up their little sister and Rachel asks  in rapid fire, "If I stand to close to a boy can I get a baby in my belly?" "If I am hanging out with boys can I get a baby?" "How do you get a Baby?'

At this point I was really shocked. I thought she had understood the first time I explained it, but maybe she just wasn't ready yet. So as I prepared to explain it again Hannah shouted "NO MOM! TELL HER IN PRIVATE WHEN YOU GET HOME!  IT'S TOO WEIRD FOR ME TO HEAR AGAIN" (I was actually quite relieved because we were getting closer to Shayna's school and no matter how much like her big sisters she wants to be, she was so not ready for this discussion.)

"Rachel, sweetie? Hannah has a point, I will answer all your questions in private when we get home. But, you have to promise not to talk about this with your little sister or any one at school. This is a topic only for mom's and dad's and their own children. Just know you can always ask me or your father if you have any questions about this topic."

Of course Hannah has to pipe in, "NOT DAD! He hates talking about s-e-x with us."
"well, if I am not around, you can go to him, he will help you."
Now Rachel, my "Wiki-girl" pipes in, "or I could just go on Ask.com."

"Noo,noo, noo, Rachel.  Do. not. under. any. circumstance. use. the.internet. to. ask. these. questions." (because anyone who has ever seen Avenue Q knows what the internet is for...) At this point before I hit a curb I had her swearing she would not research this particular topic online.

So NOW we pick up the little one and are heading home. I am thinking I must be out of the woods, but nope.
"Mommy when your eighteen is that when you get to do whatever you want?"
"Well, you are considered an adult, but to drink alcohol you have to be 21." ( not a bad answer, huh?)
"Why do people drink alcohol, isn't it bad? Where does it come from?"

Crap. I just can't win today.

I explain that in moderation, it is okay for adults to drink. I them explained how alcohol comes from a fermentation process and grape juice can actually become wine.  We then talked about Potatoes, wheat, and sugar, becoming alcohol.  The kids were really getting into this as I explained there is a chemical process.  It occurred to me that I actually turned this conversation into a science lesson!

Somewhere in this conversation I convinced myself what a cool thing it would be to actually show them the process, heck, the science fair was in a few months. Then as quickly as the idea struck me, the image of the Department and Family Services showing up at the school to see the "moonshine mommy taught us how to make" knocked me back to reality.

Also, the kids had moved on and were fighting over the radio and who got to pick the station.

Now I need to go have a talk with Rachel, and have a glass of fermented grape juice!

 ©2012 Amy E. Silverstein. All rights reserved.


  1. Well actually the whole thing was a science lesson if you want to get technical. :-) Good thing to have the conversations though. It's important!


    (I can laugh because I've gotten through the discussion already twice and I have a few years yet before I have to have it again...)

  3. I'm glad I'm not the only one facing persistent queries. But I have boys. Sometimes, it's beyond awkward. Bring back Blues Clues and Buzz Lightyear!

  4. OHHHHH BOY....Rachel has the quote of the day with "...Or I could just go to Ask.com."...I have this image of you behind the wheel going "NOOOOOOOOO" in slow motion...

    I laughed so hard at this...absolutely brilliant...way to play dodgeball and stay in the game!!!