About Me

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A slightly insane mother to three girls ages 11,11, and 5. I live/love to find the humor in being a parent.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I Didn't Do It!

My life just flashed before my eyes.  Who would have thought a death trap would involve a phone, some jelly beans, a puddle of water, and of course three children starting at the TV?

It really is my fault. I had the nerve to answer the phone.  I always joke my mother calls at the most inopportune times.  Apparently the jokes on me. I heard the phone ringing from the other room, so I peak into the family room and see that the caller ID is flashing my mother's phone IN BIG PRINT on the television. The same television that my three children are huddled around even though the sound is blasting. I scream for someone to pick up the phone ( they know my mother's number, so no stranger danger here). No answer.

So I run for the phone, which incidentally, is parked right next to the tv!

Bad idea. Someone had spilled water and jellybeans all over the floor ( tile by the way) as I was dashing barefooted for the phone.  Luckily I was able to slide the rest of the way to answer the phone before mom hung up and tried my cell causing me to make a mad dash in the other direction.

Instead of "Hello?" This is what mom heard.

Mom said "Hello, you sound a bit overwhelmed" (understatement of the day)

At this point I hear my smart alecs answer the first question though it was a bit rhetoric.
"Jellybeans and water."


I got three "Not me's". The one of my children sweetly gave me the explanation as to why no one bothered to move a muscle to clean up the sticky/wet death trap (or even warn me).

"Mazel did it."  Mazel is the dog.


Saturday, May 26, 2012

A noisy Morning is A good Thing

I know I must be doing a good job, right now I have an almost eleven year old rampaging through the house and a four year old crying hysterically. Why? Because I am just being "mom"!  It all started when the tween woke up this morning. Almost immediately she wanted to go outside to wash my car ( aka play around with the hose). She was adamant that I had given her permission yesterday. What I really said was" maybe", but what she heard was "as soon as you wake up even if I haven't had my coffee or done any of my household chores." So thus began the whining and stomping around the house, made worse of course, with the suggestion that she actually help with my chores to speed things up.

About five minutes later, the aforementioned tween, decided it was the optimum time to reopen the issue of her getting a cell phone when she goes to middle school.  Really?  She should actually be happy with the recent turn of events regarding this matter. Her father and I have decided that since she will be attending middle school without her twin ( who will be going to a private school more suited for her disability) and will be riding the school bus, we will get her a limited access phone ( no texting) that will be pre-programmed with all the important family numbers. 

"But how will I talk to my friends? ( said in an escalating tone)
"You can still use the house phone to talk to your friends." ( said in a calm even tone)
"But I already told my friends I was getting a real phone!" ( higher pitched with a defiant tone)
"You are getting a real phone." ( I am very proud of how calmly I said this)

"Arrgh..hrumph...ahhhh" :: stomp, stomp, slam!::

At this point all I want is my cup of coffee and to finish this mornings crossword. However, my littlest "tween-in-training" had other ideas. She was walking around the house carrying and eating her bagel with cream cheese so I told her to sit at the table and eat.  She apparently has selective hearing like her older sisters and ignored me. I said it again, this time a little louder and with firmness. She sat down, and about two minutes later (deftly applying the delayed, built-up to hysterical method) she is sobbing because "mommy yelled at me". 

Cue my husband running, not walking, off to the office. ( I am pretty sure there was a lightness to his step as he headed for the door)

Ironically I would be just as worried if it was a peaceful morning, sometimes the quiet can mean a great deal worse. That story I will save for another time, but let's just say I had to give the dog and a child lots of washings to repair that damage.
So, as all good parents should, I know where my children are.  Screaming and crying in the other room while I sip my coffee and finish this impossible crossword.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Mom Moments

This Mother's day marks a full decade of motherhood for me. These ten years have gone by in whirlwind, okay more like a tornado, but I still have at least one toe touching the ground so I think I am going to be okay for the next ten years. In honor of mothers everywhere ( and to help them feel better about themselves), I am going to post two of my most memorable "mom moments". 

Wardrobe Malfunction
Back when my twins were around the age of two years old, they were absolutely gaga over The Wiggles ( imagine the Beatles for toddlers). Being the perfect parents ( a.k.a. new parents), we just had to buy tickets to see them in concert. At this time The Wiggles were still playing smallish type venues and we had excellent seats.  Upon my research, I found that if you brought roses to the show,  all of the Wiggles would go out into the audience and collect roses for Dorothy The Dinosaur ( her favorite snack).  While Dorothy was singing and dancing on stage, Jeff the purple Wiggle danced over to our row and began collecting roses. My husband was holding Hannah and I was holding Rachel. As I turned and Rachel saw who was standing in front of us, she got super excited. Rachel was practically jumping out of my arms. She got so excited she was yanking on my shirt and bra, and yes, she yanked them DOWN! To this day, I  am probably the only concertgoer ( over the age of three) who has flashed the Wiggles.  So yes, I have been to some wild concerts in my day!

The Pit
Danger lurks everywhere for parents, we are always careful when crossing the street with our children or walking in the mall.  Unfortunately danger can rear it's ugly head in unexpected places, for me it was the foam pit at the local gymnastics center for children.  I went for the first time upon a recommendation of a fellow mom who raved about the three dollar free play they offered in the afternoons. I took the twins who were about three at the time and everything was great, they were having fun until we encountered the foam pit. 

A foam pit is a pit filled with foam. scraps of thick, bouncy, stinky, dirty, foam (most likely never cleaned after hundreds of tiny children had been wallowing in it). The bottom of the pit is quite deep and springy. It is so springy that there is really no traction to the bottom. Children rarely touch the bottom as they are light enough to bounce around the top, this is not so true for overweight moms.  Hannah had jumped in the pit, but was too scared to work her way out, so I jumped in without a thought to help her out.  Upon rescuing my child and passing her up to another helpful parent I proceeded, or tried to proceed, my way out of the pit. After a few useless attempts to "swim" to the side it became apparent that I was stuck.   My children of course noticed my predicament and started to cry. This of course brought me to the attention of everyone around me! Children were gawking, parents were staring and probably glad it was me and not them, a few nice people tried to give me pointers on what and where to grab onto to get out. This all only prompted my daughters to cry even louder. Finally after willing the strength of God, and fearing the image of the Coral Springs Fire Rescue hauling me out on the 6 O'clock news, I managed to get out with the help of a few strong men. Needless to say, we never went back there again.

Happy Mother's day and if you happen to ever run into Jeff the Purple Wiggle , send him my regards. I am pretty sure he remembers me.