My "Other" Child

Yesterday Hannah told me she sometimes wonders what it is like to be someone else. I was super excited to hear this because it means one of the big lessons I am trying to teach my children is starting to sink in, empathy.  I always try talking to them about "the other persons view", it is important that they learn to think about others besides themselves.  Rachel has a more difficult time with this concept, as someone on the autistic spectrum it is a big leap to jump into another persons shoes when half the time she is still searching for her own pair. My little one, Shayna, is still in preschool.  She is still blissfully enjoying the fact, at least in her mind, the world revolves around her.  So when Hannah shared with us her thoughts on how important it is to think about others, I beamed with pride.

The odd thing is that though she is compassionate and gentle towards other peoples circumstances, I find the exact opposite in the home. I think I have Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde living under my roof!  Maybe it is a "tween" thing, but when we are out she is the poster child of good manners and compassion yet when we enter the privacy of our own home she begins to contort and writhe thus being transformed into what can only be described as "scary"!

Jekyll Hannah is fantastic, she helps with her sisters when we are out, she gets raves from all her teachers, and often is lauded on how well she speaks to adults.  I could not be more proud of Jekyll Hannah. However, when Hyde Hannah comes out, beware. She will antagonize her sisters, and demand immediate tasks from mom and dad. The other day she wanted me to paint her nails, It was seven in the morning and I hadn't even finished my cup of coffee. When I agreed to do it later the Hyde Hannah came out in full force. I am pretty sure there were physical formations, she became more hunched over with eyes bugging out. If it were not for her braces I think her teeth would have gone crooked as well!

I have been sorely tempted to record Hyde Hannah one day to show to Jekyll Hannah, but I am afraid this might actually encourage Hyde Hannah to make her presence known. So, until her two personalities morph into one ( hopefully Jekyll will win this battle) I am constantly on guard for the "transformation".  The first sign of a "change" appears in the eyes (think Incredible Hulk), then she will begin to huff and puff ( it must be hard on the body), and finally there is a full on crazed mode. At this point she is often sent to her room, I don't usually get to witness the change back to Jekyll Hannah. 

Is this a phenomenon among tweens? Do other Tween Jekyll and Hydes exist? We really cannot know how many walk amongst  us.  I propose a support group,  H.E.L.L. (Hyde Epidemic Let Loose).

That's "Mrs" to You!

 The other day I had to run an errand. It was right after I picked up the kids from school and I was rushing to get to the hardware store. I had forgotten to pick up a sprinkler pump for our sprinkler system and our repairman was already waiting for me at the house.  I was way behind schedule, so I sucked it up and dragged all three girls along with me.

To make it faster I squeezed my 4.5 year old into the child seat of a shopping cart thus making my supervisory role much easier and our trek down the aisles much faster. She was thankfully happy not to have to walk, unlike her sisters who whined the whole way through the store.

Upon locating the plumbing section, I found everything having to do with sprinklers except the pump itself which ironically was located in a different section.  More groans from the unwilling participants ensued.  I was getting frustrated and ended up asking for help from the nice young man who worked at the store. He saw my motley crew and very graciously told me what a blessing my children were. I must have really looked like I needed convincing because he really kept hammering the point about my beautiful children.  It was nice of him to say, but I really just wanted the darn sprinkler pump.

He continued to be very attentive to us and even helped lift the extremely heavy pump into the cart. At this point Shayna, my four year old, must have picked up on how attentive and nice he was being to me ( really he was just doing his job and doing it well) because the next words out of her mouth were "MY MOMMY IS MARRIED!" as she grabbed my arm and yanked it towards her in what could only be interpreted as possessive.

Thankfully the hardware man continued to be very nice and gracious as his reply was, " I am sure your mommy and daddy love each other very much". This prompted lots of "uh huhs" and a rapid affirmative shaking of her head.  She went on to tell him that we go on dates and kiss.  I was trying my best not to loose it it with nervous laughter and slight embarrassment over this odd discussion my four year old was having with the hardware clerk. 

I told my husband later that evening not to ever worry when I am out with the kids, because apparently, I have my very own chaperone!

I Am Her Mother

An open letter to to the lady at the mall ( you know who you are).

Dear ignoramus a.k.a dumb lady,

I heard you loud and clear. I heard you above the screaming of my child ( she was quite loud) in the noisy food court. If you happen across this blog, you know who you are. You are the person who said to her friend " If that were my daughter..."  You might remember me because I actually stopped for a second at your table looked you in the eye and proudly stated " That is my daughter and she is autistic."

I really should have said more, but I was hurrying to get to her and help calm her down.  My husband was there trying to calm her and deal with the other two, and frankly, my family is much more important than you. but now I have the time, and the words to say what I wanted to say at that moment.

Thank God, she is not your child! Thank God she is my child! I hate to think how awful her life would be with a woman like you as her parent.  Throughout my time as her mother I have heard people tell me how fortunate Rachel is because I "get it", because I was an special education teacher long before I was a mother and am equipped to be her parent.  I have often doubted this insight because parenting is tough, and nothing can really prepare you for being a mother. However, you have helped me to really see that Rachel is better off with me as her mom. Not because I have a degree in special education, but because I am able to see past people like you who judge. I can look you in the eye and proudly state , "I am her mother, and I am a damn good one too!"

I can now take the time to tell you how stupid you looked to other people in that food court who understood what was really happening. They saw how I was able to calm her down in seconds by giving her a bear hug and helping her cover her eyes and ears to the sensory chaos that she was experiencing.  They saw my four year old sitting patiently while I tended to Rachel's needs. They saw you fussing and fretting over something that lasted all of 30 seconds.

Twenty minutes later, as my family was finishing up at the table, an extremely nice women and her teenage son came over to tell us what a beautiful family we had and how crazy you were.  Can you believe that? My 10 year old daughter screams at a mall, and you are the one who ends up looking awful.

Thank God you are not her mother.

signed,
her mother

Growing Pains

Once upon a time, I was happy to have given birth to three girls. When they were babies I felt that I had dodged the huge stress of dealing with a Bris ( Jewish circumcision ceremony) and I never had to deal with "getting hosed" while changing a diaper.  As they have grown, I have discovered the downside to being a mother to girls.  When we are out to dinner, it is mommy who takes the girls to the bathroom. They never have to go at the same time. I always ask "anyone else have to go?" before escorting the one child, only to find when I get back that another one has to go.  This cycle repeats itself constantly throughout the meal!

Now that my twins are getting closer and closer to "womanhood" I have had several talks with them. We have gone bra shopping, discussed the changes in their bodies, and our most recent talk included preparing them for their first periods.  I always tell them they can ask me anything, but inside I am screaming "No! Don't ask that!"  When I was a kid, I was a bookworm.  My mother gave me a book about growing up and I read it cover to cover. This was enough for me, I don't remember asking so many questions!  And I have given them books, but of course they then have questions about the books.  Maybe because it was a one on one situation for me with my mom as my sister was older and already was dealing with puberty by the time it was my turn for "the talk".  Not me, I have two girls peppering me with questions, asking questions off of each others questions! Through all of this I am doing my best to pretend that I am "cool" with the questions.

I know through all of this my husband is sitting back with his fingers in his ears saying "LA LA LA",  Content with the knowledge that this is my role as "mom".  I bet he is relived that we have all girls and can just run and hide when I have to have these talks with the girls.

 That's okay, because I have already decided, and I believe I have earned this decision.  When they turn 15, HE IS TEACHING THEM HOW TO DRIVE!

The Mall

I miss the stroller.  I am happy that Shayna is getting older but yesterday we went to the mall. It was me and the three girls.  Shayna is really too big for the stroller, yet she is still small enough that I do not trust for a second to let go of her hand. A stroller is also ideal for hanging bulky bags and placing drinks that your children no longer wish to carry. Add to that Rachel and Hannah. They are almost 11 so you would think that walking around the mall would be no big thing, but Rachel has Asperger's. This means that she is easily drawn away by something that takes her fancy and is prone to wander. She is also hard to get moving if she does not want to do something or wants to go another direction. As a result, I become a boot camp sergeant at the mall.

The first stop we made was the shoe store, all three girls needed sandals and both Shayna and Hannah had outgrown their sneakers. You would think that this would be no problems, however, the way that the store is set up, all three girls sizes are spread out in three different aisles, but we managed. At the check out I specifically told the clerk to keep the boxes as I would be walking around the mall and didn't want the bulk. I guess she was too busy chewing her gum, and I was too busy keeping the girls from playing with all the accessories they sell at the counter and in my line of vision to realize she did not have the ability to chew gum and comprehend what I said simultaneously.  There was a long line behind me so I just grabbed the two bulky bags, fixed all the stuff my four year old was playing with and left. 

Next the department store to buy a new training bra for Hannah.  Macy's used to have just one store in the mall.  Now they have a whole store for women and another store at the other end of the mall for men, children, and home stuff.  I decided we were better off going to to the lingerie department (plus it was closer). Hannah disagreed. When we got to the department I asked if they carried training bras and she said no, I should check out the other Macy's at the other end of the store.  Hannah them loudly turns to me "See! I told you so!"  The clerk gives me what I am sure is a look of sympathy because that is the moment Rachel decides to loudly comment (inappropriately, of course) on some of the more interesting types of underwear while Shayna is trying to get my attention to discuss the size of my breasts and determine which of the bras on display I should buy.

I usher them out of that department and made the mistake of stopping at the make-up counter to replace my face powder that I have used down to the last particle.  Apparently Shayna really likes Clinique's display make-up. 

At this point there was no way I was dragging my motley crew down to the other side of the mall. I found a "tween" store that sold the size bras we needed.  While at the store Shayna wandered a little too far and I could not see her, I panicked and yelled at her when she peeked into my view half a second later. This caused her to cry the entire time during check out. 

Finally, I thought, we were finished! But It was close to dinner time and I had bribed Rachel and Shayna to behave with a rare treat of dinner in the food court.  Normally I would relish the thought of not having to cook, but the food court means lots of choices.  They all wanted something different. So the drill sergeant in me organized a plan.  We would stop at each of the three places and get it all "to go" rather than balance three different trays and four bulky shopping bags.  Hannah helped with some of the bags so I could carry the food bags as they increased at each stop.

We settled in at the tiny tables and chairs they set aside for kids. I really didn't care that my knees did not fit under the table or that my ass was hanging way off the sides of the chair. I made it.  We were so close to leaving I was able to relax thinking it was easy sailing from here on, I was mistaken.

Shayna made a little friend sitting at the table next to her. The little girl was her age and came over pulling up a chair next to Shayna. I thought it was so cute! Her parents were right behind us and we were enjoying watching and listen to the two preschoolers introduce themselves and have an adorable conversation. Until...

Shayna was telling the little girl about her family. Her sisters and her mommy and daddy.  On Sunday, Ira and I had gone out for a date night without the girls, it was the first such night in a long while.  Shayna proceeded to tell this little girl that her mommy and daddy went on a date. This is pretty much how the conversation went.

"My mommy and daddy went on a date, and they did this"
Shayna began to make small fists and was bumping them together in what looked like and obscene gesture in front of her!

The little girls father was at this point cracking up.

"what?!?" I said to Shayna,  "Are you talking about?"
"This mommy", and she repeated the gesture.
Then she said to the little girl, with a giggle "they kissed."
Of course, the gesture was her mommy and daddy kissing. Still, it was rather embarrassing.  I went five shades of red and tried to laugh it off!  The girls dad was really cracking up at this point.

This is when I cleaned up our mess, smiled politely at the little girls parents, and left dragging kids, bundles, leftovers, and a various assortment of drinks.

I miss the stroller.

Rinse and Repeat

It is a really good feeling when you can get your house in order. This weekend, I cleaned, dusted, swept, and mopped the floor. I was extremely proud of myself. The house looked good...for five minutes.  I told the girls not to move from their respective spots as the floor was drying, but Hannah was hungry. She slipped on the way back to the table after getting her lunch, food everywhere. After the floor was sparkling (again) Shayna spilled her juice.  Then Rachel walked around the house eating various things until I caught her, but not before much of it hit the floor. Soon after, the dog did her usual spot rotation around the house leaving tumbleweeds of fur floating on my pristine tile making me feel like we lived at the OK corral.

In addition to the floor being instantly mucked up, I find mysterious trinkets and toys laying around the house. I say they are mysterious because whenever I ask the girls to pick them up, I am told by all three, that they "didn't do it" or the mess is "not theirs".  Apparently I have faeries residing in my house as well as three daughters, a furry dog, and a well meaning husband. 

It seems like my house is one giant shampoo bottle; rinse, repeat.  I think I am going to take the day off from cleaning and let the fur fall where it may. A nice long soak in a hot bath sounds delicious.

Wait, the tub needs to be cleaned....

An Ode to Dr. Seuss

It is apparent that a parent has much to learn and grow

Tots become tweens and know that they always know!

Sneeches turn to screeches and oncelers become one-ups

We balance more than a fish bowl, an umbrella, and a few cups.

One no, two nos, then maybe a yes

A perfectly patient parent is always under press.

Mood swings, mood rings, and moody snooty tweens,

Once I found a snoot-a-lot among my daughter’s things.

Oh the places we go and the new things we juggle,

Here is why we struggle;

Piled high atop the drama ,

 way above the rest

are classes, sasses, and puppy love by the masses;

We really are just doing our best!

So if you wonder why we seek

Refuge from a crazy week

Just look inside our house and take a peek

On second thought, just close the door

Back away a little more

Turn and run (left foot, left foot, left foot, right)

I wish to spare you such a fright!

Planning for the Unplanned

I believe there is an unknown law of Physics that applies to parenting. My father would disagree and say that there is already a name for this, Murphy's Law.  The phrase "The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray" originated in a poem by Robert Burns about a poor mama mouse who unknowingly made her nest of babies right in the path of a farmer plowing his fields.  Though I have not yet experienced a bulldozer plowing through my home, I can relate to that poor mama mouse.

My husband and I first noticed this phenomenon when our twins were babies, just when we thought they were both going to be asleep at the same time, the other one would awaken.  If we planned a very expensive family vacation, someone would get sick.  I once planned what I thought was the perfect birthday party for the twins only to have the establishment pack up the presents for the girls in black trash bags, then throw half the presents in the trash!

It is easy to look back and laugh at our misfortunes, in fact it is probably the only healthy way to get through life.  There is a picture of Shayna floating around the family dubbed "towel baby".  She is sleeping in her infant seat dressed in nothing but a diaper and makeshift outfit of towels.  My husband and I had dropped off the kids at my parents house for a night of freedom, our first since having Shayna. I had packed the diaper bag carefully with everything she needed as my parents live 40 minutes away.  Upon arrival it became apparent that both my husband and myself had thought the other put the diaper bag in the car.  "No problem", I said and ran to the supermarket for emergency diapers, wipes, formula, and bottle.  Unfortunately the supermarket did not have extra clothes and this was the night Shayna decided to spit up...everywhere...more than once.  We arrived back at the house to find my baby swaddled in kitchen and bath towels blissfully asleep looking like a cute little hobo. 

Thankfully, we have managed to get through all of these little bumps in the road.  It is frustrating when you are 500 miles from home and you child has thrown up in a taxi, but hey it's memory you'll never  forget!  As annoying as Murphy and his little law can be, life would be boring without the mishaps.  After all, parenting is a road trip without a map and sometimes you find the most beautiful places to stop.

It Get's Different, Not Easier

The early years with twins were not easy, I shudder when I think of octo-mom!   I sort of remember those sleepless nights of constant feedings. I say "sort of" because I spent the entire first year walking around in a trance from lack of sleep. I do remember once in the middle of the night I poured Coke into a bottle I was preparing, thankfully I caught myself before bringing it upstairs!  I remember taking the Diaper Genie every one raved about and tossing the entire thing in a fit of rage into the dumpster because, while it might be ideal for a single baby, it was a nightmare stuffing it with twice the amount of diapers.   Going to the grocery store was a challenge. I would see all the singlton moms with their little portable car seats perched on the grocery cart zooming through the aisles. Not me. There was no room for two car seats, I would push the double stroller in front of me and drag the cart behind me only to be stopped every few feet by some well meaning older woman exclaiming, "Boy, you've got your hands full!"  Every so often I would meet up with another mom with young twins. I recognized the exhaustion and feel real pity for them.  Sometimes they would ask me if it gets easier. I couldn't lie, I told them that they will have more sleep in their future, but I never say it gets easier. I just say it changes, it gets "different".

Parenting never gets easier, whether you have one, two or eight ::shudder:: babies at once.  Yesterday as we were leaving for the Renaissance fair I looked at what Rachel was wearing. Her shorts looked a little too tight, I told her to change as she must have outgrown them. "But Mom, this is how teenagers where their shorts, and I am a preteen!"  Help.

Gone are the days where Mommy was queen.  Where everything I told them was golden and right. I get challenged, sassed, and told how wrong I am despite the fact they constantly acknowledge my wizened age.   I am also loosing my youngest to this behavior, because, "monkey-see-monkey-do".  That same inner strength I had to summon years ago to deal with late nights and double dirty diapers, I must summon again to maintain self control and not end up on the 6 O'clock news.

Yesterday while I was in the shower Hannah came in demanding breakfast. As it was a long weekend and we had plans to go out for the day, I told her that I was going to treat them to donuts after I got out of the shower.  She did not like this option. "You're just lazy!", she yelled at me.

What did my daughter just say to me? It took ALL of the inner strength previously mentioned not to jump through the shower curtain at her!  I will not go into a list of my duties as mom, teacher, and wife; but being lazy is definitely not on them.   On top of the anger I was feeling at this audacious comment, I was hurt.  I know some parents and non-parents would suggest a good slap to the face or sufficient beating to the bottom for this behavior, but I would never slap her across the face ( though the temptation was there!). I am not above a spanking, but I strongly believe in never spanking while angry and I did not think in this case it would be as effective as the punishment her father and I had in mind.

She thinks I am lazy?  Well, now her duties around the house have tripled for the week as I am too lazy to work. She is among other things, responsible for all the dishes and making her bed. I might throw in a few loads of laundry as well.  Because I am so lazy, she must pick up the slack. Breakfast will no longer be available from this lazy wench ( I was at the Renaissance Faire yesterday).  To give her credit, she was very remorseful when she saw how upset I was over her comment. She apologized and felt bad, but she still must learn not to say things out of selfishness and anger. 

What a nice day out today, I think I will be lazy and go make a mess in the kitchen before retiring to a good book. Happy President's Day!

The Little Red-Haired Girl

Last week I reported on the "love life" of my ten year old, Hannah. Well it seems that in a very short time frame the drama has escalated into a love triangle.  Josh, being the typical boy has been going back and forth about whether he is going to the dance with Hannah, his yes went to a no and back to a yes again. After his last yes Hannah received a note from another boy, Mason.  It was asking her if she would go to the dance with him!

So now she comes to me with note in hand not sure what to do. I explain to her that she and Josh have an agreement despite his going back and forth, his last answer was yes and she has to be honorable and not back out.  I did tell her that if Josh changes his mind again then all bets are off and she can agree to go with Mason.   I really don't want my daughter breaking any hearts at age ten. This fifth grade parenting stuff is quite stressful!

As I suffer through this drama with an "award winning" straight face I can't help but think of the "little red-haired girl" in Peanuts.   Unfortunately the role of Charlie Brown goes to poor little Josh who just does not seem to be brave enough to admit he likes her, hence the running back and forth during recess with one word yeses and nos. 

As a typical supporter for the underdog, I am hoping Josh doesn't back out this time. I don't know this Mason kid, for all I know he could be "Pig-Pen"!  Besides, who doesn't want to see Charlie Brown end up with the "little red-haired girl"?